Ask Me Ornela...Ask Me

"I don't want what we had before Ornela. I want a real relationship with you, a committed relationship where we see each other every day and really know what is going on in each other's lives. I want a relationship with you that will grow into something so much more than anything we have ever experienced before, a relationship that will hopefully last forever."

"I want that too Bobby."

These are the words we spoke to each other back in June after not seeing one another in two and a half years. At the time, I believed that we had finally made it. After all the years of frustration and heartbreak, we finally both loved each other...we were going to make our relationship work this time. We were going to be together as boyfriend and girlfriend. I was happier than I have ever been in my entire life...because of you Ornela.

But this happiness lasted only a few brief months, barely an instant before you ended everything and pushed me away.

I was hurt, very deeply, so I fled to the only refuge that has ever offered me any consolation in my greatest moments of grief, the sole sanctuary into which I retreat often and without hesitation: my writing. 

The result has been an outpouring of letters expressing years of repressed feelings for you Ornela. I do not know if you want me to keep writing you these love letters or not. I do not know if you love me or even if you ever want to see me again. I do not know anything that I once thought certain because you have been silent for so long. I always hoped that something I said in my journal, some random sentence or phrase, would finally break through to your heart and make you feel for me what I have felt for you for so very long. I hoped that some adoring words I spoke would rekindle your love for me, but I am starting to believe that those words do not exist. I am starting to believe that there is nothing I can say or do to ever break down the walls separating me from your heart. My pen is running dry, and it is frightening me.

I don't know what to do anymore Ornela. For ten months I have tried to carry the entire weight of a relationship with you by myself, my only strength coming from the hope that one day you would look deep into my eyes and say, "I love you Bobby." I have held out hope for so long because I know that you still read this journal and I truly believed that the only reason you come back here to read all of these love letters that I have written you is because you still love me. I could not imagine any other explanation. But this journal is not a substitute for a real relationship. Communication only flows one way so that I can always give my love to you, but never receive anything back. All I receive is silence, and it hurts.

Every morning when I wake up and check my e-mail for the first time, I always hope that this is the day when I see that I have a message from you. I always hope that this will be the day when instead of writing you a love letter, I will read a letter from you expressing your love for me and asking me to come to Boston to be with you. Only once before has this happened, and that day in June when I read your words asking me back into your life, I cried tears of joy. 

I love you so much Ornela, and I want to have a relationship with you more than anything in this world because I know just how special of a person you truly are. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and your capacity for kindness and compassion is beyond that of anything I thought possible. You are incredibly smart, so much fun to joke around and enjoy life's silly moments with, and yet you have never shown the slightest hint of narcissism or vanity that plagues those with half of your gifts. Ornela...I love all of you, every piece that makes you the unique and beautiful person that you are. But more than that...I trust you. I trust you completely and without fail because you have more integrity than anyone I have ever met. You have never lied to me...and I know that you never will. Trust is the reason I have opened my heart to you to reveal every part of who I am...it is the reason I fell in love with you.

We only have so much time left, and I don't want to waste another second apart from you. We have watched too much time go by already. I waited for years to be completely sure that I was in love with you before finally declaring that love...but by then it was too late. I now know that no one is ever completely sure about beginning a new relationship, and that is ok. All you can do is find someone you love, know that they love you too, and trust that your love for each other will be enough. Here we are, some six years after our first meeting, and we have been given another chance...likely our final chance at love. I recognize that and have poured all of myself into showing you how serious I am about having a relationship with you and how deeply for you my love truly runs. I don't want what we had before...I want something so much more than that. And I believe you want that too. Let's stop always looking at our past and instead look towards our future, an amazing future where we can share our lives together in love.

You have so many burdens in your life right now, burdens that I want so badly to lift from your shoulders. That is what I hope my love letters do for you Ornela. I hope that my letters show you how very deeply I love you and help soothe your weary heart. I hope these letters make you happy...that is why I write them. All I ask is for you to seriously reflect on why you are still reading my love letters. Ask yourself why you still open your heart to me and let me get close to you every time you read my journal. If the answer is that you are simply curious at my behavior, then so be it. But if the answer is that you still love me, that you have always loved me even after all this time, then I ask one more thing of you...the most important thing of all. Keep your promise to me Ornela. Keep your promise to give our love the chance it deserves...the chance to grow into something wonderful. 

Ask me to come to Boston to be with you. Ask me to be your best friend, lover, and soul mate. Ask me to be your boyfriend. Just ask me Ornela...and I will say the words that you have waited so long to hear. I will say yes.

Love,

Bobby