A Day in Boston Without You

It really is a beautiful city. The lights are glowing at Fenway Park, illuminating the entire field in ceremonial splendor. The Prudential Building is lit up at this evening hour too and resembles a giant lighthouse perched right in the middle of downtown. And somewhere, far below my plane that has just taken off from Logan Airport, is a girl who I am in love with, a girl who does not know that I am a thousand feet over her head.

For the first time, I did not tell you that I was coming to Boston. For the first time I did not ask you to see me when I came to town. I was in Boston all day on Wednesday, November 5th, for a job interview with a company that will likely extend me an offer, an I offer I will likely accept. The reason that I did not tell you that I came into Boston today was not because I did not want to see you...you know that I want to see you more than anything. No, there was a different reason. I could tell you that the reason I didn't let you know that I was in Boston was because I thought we wouldn't have much time together or because I thought your schedule was too busy, but I would only be kidding myself. Ornela, the reason that I did not tell you that I was in Boston all day today is because I was afraid...I was afraid of being rejected by you again.

On my plane ride from Boston to Atlanta after my interview, I thought a lot about you and how much I wanted to talk to you in this moment. I thought about how deeply I love you, and how deeply you once loved me. I had so many thoughts that I want to share with you:

I could ask you if you know what it feels like to want to talk to someone every day, to want to share your innermost hopes and dreams, but know that they will turn away.

I could ask you if you know what it feels like to love someone more than anything else in the world, only to have them tell you they don't feel the same.

I could ask you if you know the emptiness you feel inside when you watch the person you are in love with, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, simply walk away.

I could ask you if you know how badly it hurts to give all of yourself to someone and know that it will never be enough for them...but I already know the answer to all of these questions. I already know that you know exactly what all of these terrible things feel like...because you felt all of these painful emotions when I left you all those years ago.

I have thought so much over the past few months about why my feelings for you took so long to develop and there is something that I need to share with you, something I should have shared a long time ago. I wish that while we were dating I had spoken to you more about the painful feelings I had from my previous relationship. I did not realize at the time that my unresolved feelings were preventing me from getting close to you. I was afraid that if I told you that I was having trouble moving on from being with my ex-girlfriend that you would think I did not care about you and you would stop loving me. I could not understand that you just wanted to help me by talking about it. I could not understand that because you loved me, you were putting my well-being ahead of your own and genuinely cared for my happiness. Only after I fell in love with you did I understand this, which is why I want to listen to you share the struggles and hardships you are facing so that I can help you through these difficult moments.

Now that I have confessed all of these seemingly random feelings to you, I will explain my reason for doing so:

This post has so many random thoughts interspersed throughout it and reads differently from many of my others. That is because I wrote it as if you were sitting right in front of me and I was simply sharing what is on my heart. In a single post I have confessed to you my fear of being rejected by you, how I now empathize with the feelings you had when I left you, and how the emotional scars from a past relationship hindered me from getting close to you. The reason I wrote this post is because I want to show you that I am willing to share my feelings with you again. I want to have the deep conversations we once had and I am opening my heart and making myself vulnerable to you, hoping only that you want to have these deep conversations with me enough to do the same. 

It's after 2:00 a.m and I just got back to my apartment from Boston. I also just read the note you sent me on Facebook. It hurts to read your words, but not for the reason that you might expect. While I am disappointed that you don't want to see me, I am even more saddened by the fact that not seeing each other means that we won't be able to have deep conversations. That's what I really want to have with you Ornela. I want to talk to you in person like I do in my journal. I want for each of us to share our hearts with each other because that is the only way we will ever grow close together again.

Ornela, I love you and am willing to do anything for you. But I am asking you to do something for me too. Can we start talking again? It doesn't have to be about anything important to begin with, but I really miss just being able to text you or give you a call whenever something interesting or amusing happens throughout my day since you are always the first person I want to share it with. Can we try just talking about what is really going on in our lives, maybe even in person, and see where that might lead? Can we see if that will open the door to having our deep conversations again? I want to connect with you on a very deep level, and I still believe that you want to feel that connection with me too. 

There will always be something special between us Ornela, something that neither of us have ever found with anyone else. I am not asking you for anything more than to try to develop the deep connection we once had, the connection that I believe is still there if we will only try to grow close to each other again. Will you please try? Will you please just talk to me again?