Boston or DC

Dear Ornela,


In the letter I sent you on Christmas I told you that I was moving to Boston for a new job. I want to move to Boston, very badly, but despite trying to convince myself that I am moving there for a job I know that my real reason is because I still hope that one day your feelings for me might return...I think you know that too.


Just a few minutes ago I was offered a job in DC, a job that is more lucrative than what I was offered in Boston. Ornela, I want to take the job in Boston because of you...I want to take it to be close to you. If the words in my Christmas letter touched your heart at all, please ask me to come to Boston.


I have until Tuesday, December 30th to make my decision on whether or not to move to Boston or DC. If you have any feelings for me at all, please ask me to move to Boston for you. Please search your heart one last time and find the strength to keep the promise you made me just before we kissed in your car at Logan Airport. If I hear nothing from you by Tuesday at 5:00 p.m., I am going to accept the job offer in DC instead.


I have held out hope for so long that deep in your heart you still love me. All I want is to be your boyfriend. All I want is for us to be together.


I love you Ornela.


Love,
Bobby

Silent Night

Merry Christmas Ornela.

As I sit by the fireplace this Christmas, watching the burning embers spark and crackle, I wish you were here beside me, holding me close as we fall asleep beneath the soft glow of the Christmas tree's flickering lights. A single Christmas together, a moment of happiness in each other's arms...a moment I wanted to share only with you. Tonight was supposed to be a very special one in our lives for reasons that you knew nothing about. Tonight, on Christmas night, I was going to give you a very precious gift...a gift that would have changed our lives forever.

Nearly a year has passed since I sent you a small box containing a novel and a handwritten letter where I first confessed that I am in love with you. That single letter changed both of our lives profoundly. For the past year after I sent you my letter I have put you at the center of my world, hoping someday we would finally be together again. I have written you over sixty love letters, torn my heart apart declaring my love for you, and even traveled all the way across the country just to see you. Yet still you do not love me. I have to accept that. I have to accept that your feelings for me are gone, and they are probably not coming back. You have told me this so many times, but I could not bring myself to believe it because I knew that meant things were truly over. 

You said that you hope I will one day understand why you chose to end our relationship. I don't...and probably never will. There are personal issues you are struggling with right now that I know nothing about, issues that I suspect contributed to our break up, but since you have chosen to keep these problems to yourself I can never truly understand why you chose to push me out of your life. Yet you never pushed me out completely. For reasons that only you know, you decided to continue letting me speak to you through my journal, a decision that I welcomed but never understood. Perhaps you read my journal because you found my behavior curious and viewed my writing as mere entertainment. Or maybe you were simply making sure that I didn't mention anything about unexpectedly arriving in Boston to see you again. I always hoped that the reason was because in your heart you still love me, but the truth is that I do not know why you still read my journal even after you pushed me away. Like so many other things about you, your motivations remain hidden from me.

Sometimes I feel like my relationship with you was like being with two different women. There is the woman who I used to know, the kindest and gentlest soul whom I have ever met. She smiled so much. She smiled whenever we were together, and when I kissed her lips our souls became one. We talked openly, about anything and everything, and I always knew that she would never hurt me; she would never abandon me. I trusted this woman...completely. But the woman I see now is one who has hidden herself away from me so that I can never get close. I want to understand what she is going through; I want to love her, but every time I reach out my hand she pulls away. I just remember how you used to be and the closeness we used to share, and my heart is broken that we no longer have that special relationship. I have lost romantic relationships before, but this loss hurts so much more deeply because you were more than my lover...you were my best friend. What we had was so rare and so special, the most intimate relationship I have ever shared with anyone, and when you walked away I watched something beautiful die.

I have cried so many times over you, not just because you broke my heart but because of how deeply remorseful I am for the pain I caused you when I abandoned you. Every day for the past three years I have thought about what I did to you. The pain that I inflicted upon you has devastated me and I do not know how to express to you how remorseful I am for not only letting you go, but also for how badly my words hurt you. I am so sorry Ornela. I am so sorry for hurting you. 

You made me make you a promise that I never wanted to, a promise I do not know how to keep, a promise that I only made because I trusted you to keep your promise to me too. I have tried so hard to keep my promise to you, I really have. I have tried dating other women, but it is difficult to open my heart to them without feeling like I am being unfaithful to you. Truthfully, I do not want to form a relationship with another woman, and these women's companionship only momentarily distracts me from the pain I feel from being apart from you. I am not over you Ornela. The truth is...I don't want to get over you.

You are so many things to me. You are my best friend and my deepest confidant. You were the sole bright spot throughout some very dark periods of my life. You are the first woman I want to make love to, the only woman I want to make love to, and if you had asked me when I came to see you in Boston in October, I would have given myself to you. I would have made love to you. Ornela...you are the only woman I have ever fallen in love with. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you, have children with you, and love you, now and for the rest of our lives. 

And now, after all of these heartfelt confessions, I have just one more. You never knew how special tonight was supposed to be. You never knew about the precious gift that I was going to give you this Christmas. On June 4th, you asked me back into your life. Words cannot express how happy I was, nor how certain I was that we had finally embarked on a journey to share the rest of our lives together. That very night I began looking at engagement rings. I knew...I knew Ornela that I had found the woman I want to marry. My desire was to move to Boston and date you for the next six months, growing closer and sharing our bodies and souls as we fell more in love each day. And then, on Christmas night as we cuddled with each other next to the fireplace, I was going to drop to one knee and open a small box that contained both a ring and a promise. I was going to look deep into your eyes and ask you the most important question of our lives. Ornela, I was going to ask you to marry me tonight.

The ring I was going to give you tonight does not adorn your finger, for I know that you would reject my proposal, just as you have rejected every attempt I have made to love you. Over the past year I have given you a novel that tells our love story, dozens of love letters, an invitation to my family's lake house, tearful conversations where I poured out my feelings for you, a single kiss, and my love. Ornela, I gave you me. I have given you all I have to give...and it is not enough. There is only one thing I have left to give you, one final gift, the only gift I know you will not reject -- my silence. After a year of pouring out my heart and confessing my love for you, I will leave you alone after tonight. I will go away. I will go away because I know that you do not want me in your life anymore.

We held each other once upon a time. You and I laughed as we threw snowballs at one another in the empty streets of Boston on a cold winter night so long ago. You smiled, as did I, and then we embraced. As the falling snowflakes shrouded two lovers within a veil of intimacy, we looked deeply into each other's eyes and kissed. Do you remember that moment? It was the happiest of my life. You gave me the happiest moment of my life Ornela. I hope...I hope more than anything else that I made you happy too. 

As I told you in my final journal entry, we really are just a boy and a girl who fell in love. You and I created something very beautiful, a beautiful love that intertwined two lives together...and I hope that one day you will ask me to share that love with you again. I hope that someday you will ask me to share our lives together forever. I will always hope...and I will always love you Ornela.

Merry Christmas. Te dua.

Love,

Bobby

p.s. You told me not to move to Boston for you, so I won't...but I am moving to Boston in January for another reason. Only a few days ago another company made me a job offer, a very good offer that I believe helps fulfill my long term career goals, and I have decided to accept it. What your reaction is to me living in the same city as you I cannot guess, but I am making you a promise. I promise that I will not bother you with phone calls, show up unexpectedly at your door, or in any way try to insert myself into your life unless you invite me to become a part of it again. You have your own life in Boston and I must respect that. I promise you Ornela that I will respect your privacy.

O Christmas Tree

Somewhere on a lonely stretch of highway in south Alabama I drive as tiny snowflakes cling to my car's wipers before being tossed aside like so many twinkling stars above. My windshield fogs from the cold outside and I adjust the heater to stave off winter's vice, a familiar struggle that I have become accustomed to on the long drive from Atlanta to Dothan. But such nuisances are but a trifle considering the reason for my travels, for Christmas will soon be here, and with it a reunion of both friends and family alike...a reunion that beckons me home.

Only two headlights part the curtain of darkness this night, two headlights and a neon sign far ahead, a neon sign that offers travelers a respite and warm cup of coffee on a cold December night such as this. I pull off the highway, onto a side road alighted by the neon sign that advertises the price of gas. After fueling my car, I walk inside the station for a cup of coffee and make small talk with the cashier. Her young daughter sits on the floor behind the register, combing a doll's hair that has begun to fall out from the frequency of this routine.

"I think it might be about time for a new doll," I say to the little girl.

She looks at me but says nothing before finally nodding.

"Maybe if you've been a good girl this year, Santa will bring you one." I find an extra twenty in my wallet and hand it to her mother before walking back to my sleigh.

As I drive back towards the highway, I notice that the darkness has retreated down a side road that runs in the opposite direction. A faint white light seems to form a halo just over the horizon and obscure the boundary between earth and sky. For reasons that I cannot fully explain, my hands turn the steering wheel towards the light, guiding my car down an old country road that seems more suited for horse than driver. Further I drive, the light becoming brighter with each passing moment. I know not where I am. I know not where I am going. But as the glow from my headlights yields to that greater source ahead, a smile graces my face as the twinkle in my eye is suddenly matched by the innumerable ones before them.

A Christmas tree, some fifty feet tall and adorned with the radiance of a million tiny lights, casts out the night with a beauty unmatched by either delicate woman or the angels that adorn its limbs. Each branch droops beneath the weight of ornaments of silver and gold that sparkle from countless lights while tiny figurines of Santa, nutcrackers, and snowmen add levity and joy to a scene already so full of wonder. And atop the massive evergreen, perched upon its highest bough, a single star burns far brighter than any hung within the night sky. It shines like that wondrous star of old, guiding weary travelers across unfamiliar lands so that they might find both rest and contentment beneath its glow.

I look upon that magical Christmas tree and smile.

"It's so beautiful Ornela," I say without thinking, glancing over at the passenger seat where my hand has unconsciously reached towards. But the seat is empty, its cover cold. In my momentary distraction, I had forgotten that you are not with me tonight, as until this moment thoughts of you had occupied my mind throughout the long drive home.

For several minutes I simply sit in my car, beholding this wondrous sight before me as memories of Christmases past fill my mind. I think about how magical Christmas always seemed in my youth, when the cares of the world were cast away by chestnuts roasting on an open fire and Jack Frost nipping at your nose. I think of Christmases still to come, of the places I will one day celebrate this joyous season and the people in my life whose presence brings such happiness and purpose. And I think of you Ornela. I think about how I wish you were with me in this moment, as I happened upon the most beautiful Christmas tree I have ever seen down some forgotten country road in south Alabama.

I wish that you had been there to share that moment with me. I wish that we were together for Christmas.

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When I was a boy, my family always had a tradition of driving around my hometown of Dothan on Christmas Eve to look at all of the lights and decorations. As my parents sipped hot chocolate and listened to Christmas music in the front seat, my brother and I marveled at our small town so alight in beauty and wonder. Everything seemed so magical...all was right with the world.

If I am ever one day blessed with my own family, it is a tradition that I want to share with them as well. It is a tradition that I wish I could share with you tonight Ornela. I wish that I was in Boston right now to take you on a drive around the city to look at all the Christmas lights, just the two of us snuggled closely together in my car as Silent Night and O Christmas Tree play softly on the radio. Afterwards we would take an evening stroll around Boston Common Park to admire all of the decorations before standing beneath the glow of the park's wondrous Christmas tree as we hold each other close.

That is my Christmas wish Ornela...to simply spend Christmas with you.

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Earlier this week I was offered another job in Boston. However, unless you ask me to come to the city I will turn this job offer down, just as I did the last one. I will only come to Boston if you want me to. I will only come to Boston if you ask me.

Ornela's Letters

Dear Ornela,


I saved them all -- every letter you have ever written me, every word you have ever spoken to my heart. I cherish these letters, for they are all I have to remember you.


Where my words have failed to touch your heart, perhaps your own will help you remember that you once loved me. Perhaps reading your words may even let you love me again.

Your first letter: April, 2009

Bobby,
These are some preliminary hugs to prepare you for the real ones that you've already been warned about. I hope you are having an incredible day, but just in case...I wish you a bright day with happy thoughts and plenty of reasons to smile!

~Ornela
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June 2009

Bobby,
I am terribly sorry about the loss of your grandfather. Know that you are in my thoughts. Thinking of you with sympathy.


-Ornela
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July, 2009

Bobby,
I am really enjoying getting to know you better with each passing day. You are a very wonderful, funny, one-of-a-kind person. I hope your birthday is filled with everything you desire and may each day in your life be better than the last. Know that I really miss you and I think about you every day! May your birthday be as amazing as you are!!!


Ornela
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December, 2009

Bobby,
You are such a special person to me! You brighten my day, you make me smile, you warm my heart! I wish you a great, prosperous, blissful, healthy, bright, delightful, Mind Blowing :-), energetic, Terrific, & extremely fabulous holiday season! May everything that your heart desires be fulfilled!


~Ornela
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July, 2010

Bobby,
I wish you an amazing birthday! I wanted to be near you so I could give you a great hug & celebrate with you. Instead I want you to know that I care about you so much and even though I'm not there with you I cannot stop thinking about you & what a special person you are. You deserve only the very best!


Happy Birthday


Love,
Ornela
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October, 2010

Bobby,
I hope you enjoy Halloween and eat plenty of candy! May it be a scary, but fun day for you! I miss you so much! But, if you were me right now I'd try to scare you every chance I get :-). Just so you know, I'm thinking about you on this special day & sending you lots of Hugs & Kisses :-)


Love,
Ornela
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December, 2010

Bobby,

It's been now two years since we first went out and since you left DC. I haven't stopped thinking about you since and you have become a very special part of my life. Even though we've only seen each other a few times since then, my feelings for you have only grown. You'll be in my heart and thoughts throughout the holidays even though we're apart. I wish you an awesome Christmas and a great New Year! May you have all the happiness you deserve!

~Ornela
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July, 2011

Bobby,
With this card I'm sending you a ton of super awesome birthday wishes. I hope you get to have an amazing birthday celebration and know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the very best! May every year to come be better than the last. A million birthday hugs that you'll just have to imagine for now.


Happy Birthday


Love,
Ornela XOXO
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December 2011

Dear Bobby,
As I sit here and study for my finals, I can't stop but think of you. What I really want to do is call you and hear your voice, but it's almost 2am & you're probably asleep. I'm thinking about how nice it would be to spend a holiday with you, regardless of which one it is. Then I realize we might be together on MLK Jr. day, yay!!! I can't wait! Don't forget that regardless of the distance between us, you're only a thought away from me, from my heart! Enjoy the holidays with your family & may each coming year be brighter than the last. May you fulfill everything that you hope to, & may you be truly happy!!!


I can't wait to see you!!!


Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!


XOXO,
Ornela
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The girl I once knew, the girl I fell in love with, speaks to me through your letters. Your words touch me very deeply...your words made me fall in love with you.


I never forgot you Ornela. Even after so much time apart, I never forgot about your letters or the love we have for each other. Despite everything that has happened between us, I still believe that the girl who wrote me these letters is alive in your heart.


Remember...remember how you felt when you picked up your pen to write me these love letters. Please remember.


I love you Ornela.

Remember

"Are you in love with me Ornela, because I am in love with you!"

"Yes, I am in love with you Bobby."

We spoke these words to each other on March 30th during a late night telephone call. We cried that night as we opened our hearts to each other...do you remember? It was the first, and only, time where we both confessed our love for each other together. That night, all those months ago, was the last time that you said you love me.

Do you ever think about that moment? Do you remember how you felt when you told me that you love me? I can't remember anymore Ornela...I can't remember what it felt like for you to love me.

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At 5:00 today I kept my word to you. I always hoped that you would stop me, but I knew that you never would. I only wonder if you thought of me at 5:00 today...I wonder if you even remembered.

Together

You sent me the following text message last night:

"Bobby, things are the same as they were two weeks ago. I thought you understood that."

I should have understood that Ornela...I really should have. I know that your feelings for me are gone, but I guess I just didn't want to believe it.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you were blinded to the reality of a situation? That is what happened to me. I have wanted to have a relationship, a real relationship, with you for so long that I ignored every indication you gave me that you no longer want a relationship with me. It was hard for me to accept that. It was hard for me to believe that your feelings for me are truly gone, so I pushed things further than I should have. I pushed you further than I should have...and for that I am sorry.

You never asked me to move to Boston, but I had convinced myself that if I moved to the city to be near you, somehow your feelings for me might change. I was just looking for a fresh start between us and I always wondered if your feelings for me would return if we had the opportunity for a real relationship where we see each other every day. The chance for a normal relationship is something we never had before, and it was something that I was trying to give us by moving to Boston.

So I began looking for work in the city and, much to my surprise, actually found an interested company fairly quickly. They flew me to Boston for my interviews, hired a driver to take me to their headquarters, and toured me around their offices. They interviewed me for hours, but I wasn't nervous at all...I felt no stress or anxiety because in my mind I was not in the interview; I was with a girl I love, laying in her bed in a house on Inman Street as we talked and held each other close. The whole time I was in Boston for my interviews, you are all I thought about...about the life we could share here together, the life I want to build with you. I thought about long walks together around Boston Common Park after our workdays, holding hands and talking about our day. I thought about taking drives through rural western Massachusetts in the Spring time where we find a secluded place to picnic and spend the whole day together. I thought about lazy Sundays spent together in bed, simply talking for hours and succumbing to temptation as we give our bodies to each other. I thought of all of these things, about everything a real relationship with you would look like...and it made me very happy, just as it still does.

A week ago the company offered me a job. They offered me a great salary, good benefits, and a new life in Boston. I told them I needed time to consider their offer, but in truth I needed time to try to talk to you. That is why I texted you last night...I had to know for sure whether or not you wanted me to move to Boston for you. I had to know for sure whether or not you were willing to give us a chance at a normal relationship. You gave me my answer. It hurt. But I have to respect your decision.

The company called me today for a decision. I did not want to refuse their offer, not because of anything related to the job, but because I feel like turning down their offer would be like walking away from a life that I want to share with you. They gave me until 5:00 p.m. this Friday to reach a decision, but my decision has already been made. Unless you ask me to move to Boston to be with you, I am not going to come to the city.

I hope. I hope that between now and this Friday some lost feelings may stir within your heart and cause you to change your mind. For the first time in our lives we have the opportunity to truly be together. I want to be with you Ornela...and I only hope that you want to be with me too.

What Do You Want Ornela?

Dear Ornela,

Three years ago when I came to see you in Boston I was faced with a decision: to leave or stay. I made the wrong decision...I chose to leave. It is a decision that I have regretted every day, a decision I wish I could take back, a decision that I have wept over a hundred times because I finally understand how deeply my selfishness hurt you. Now, all this time later, I am faced with a similar decision: to accept or decline my job offer in Boston. But we both know that this decision is not really about a job, or even about moving to Boston. This decision is about us, about whether or not we should be together...and it is a decision that I cannot make alone.   

I did not call or e-mail you to inform you of my job offer in Boston because I felt that it would be unfair of me to intrude upon your life uninvited again. Instead I chose to tell you in my journal because your decision to read or ignore my journal gives you the choice of whether or not you want to let me to speak to you. I have always believed that you still read my journal, probably every day...probably even several times a day. It is this belief, and the belief that you read my journal because you still have feelings for me, that gives me the motivation to keep writing. Every time you read my journal, you invite me into your heart. Every time you read my journal I believe that you are trying to keep your promise to me to give our relationship the chance it deserves. If you are reading these words, it means that some part of you still wants to be close to me. It means that some part of you still wants to share our lives together in Boston. Please listen to this voice Ornela...it is your heart telling you what it truly wants.    

Several weeks ago you sent me a text message that stated: "Bobby, if you end up taking the job in Boston, you need to do it only for your own career goals and not for me."

Surely you must know that this is impossible. The job means nothing to me. You are the only reason I would move to Boston, and I cannot remove the emotional conflict I would have of living in the same city with you, yet being apart from you at the same time. Living in Boston without being with you would be painful...too painful. It is a burden I cannot bear, for I am neither strong enough to do so nor foolish enough to try.

After several days of reflection, I have made my decision -- I want to move to Boston to be with you, but I will only come to the city if you want me there as well.

I am not asking you to tell me to accept the job offer or decline it. I am not asking you to tell me to move to Boston or not. I am only asking you what you want. What do you want? Ornela, I have to know...do you want me to come to Boston? 

Decisions

Dear Bobby,

On behalf of Starbucks, we are pleased to extend you an offer of employment for the Real Estate Asset Manager position in our Boston corporate office. We are excited to have you join our team. Please let us know of your decision to accept or decline this offer as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Starbucks Human Resources Department - Boston, MA

I should have been happy. I should have gone out with friends for a few drinks to celebrate my new job offer, called my parents to tell them the good news, and then started searching for a place to live to begin my new life in Boston. But I did not do any of those things. I did not celebrate at all. Instead, I reacted to my job offer the way an aged prisoner might react to being paroled after spending the past fifty years behind bars. He is happy to be free, but the life he wanted has already passed him by. I was happy to receive a job offer, but my reason for applying for jobs in Boston has already passed me by too. My reason was never to further any career aspirations...my reason was you Ornela. It was always you.

Now I have a decision to make, to accept or decline this offer...and I do not know what to do.

If you have any feelings for me at all, ask me to come to Boston. Ask me to accept this job offer and move to the city to be with you. For the first time since our first date in Fairfax six years ago we have the opportunity to live near one another. I am not asking you to make this decision for me. I am asking you to listen to your heart, nothing more. 

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I will be in Washington D.C. on Monday, December 8th and possibly Sunday, December 7th. If you are in town visiting your family, I would love to see you again.