Silent Night

Merry Christmas Ornela.

As I sit by the fireplace this Christmas, watching the burning embers spark and crackle, I wish you were here beside me, holding me close as we fall asleep beneath the soft glow of the Christmas tree's flickering lights. A single Christmas together, a moment of happiness in each other's arms...a moment I wanted to share only with you. Tonight was supposed to be a very special one in our lives for reasons that you knew nothing about. Tonight, on Christmas night, I was going to give you a very precious gift...a gift that would have changed our lives forever.

Nearly a year has passed since I sent you a small box containing a novel and a handwritten letter where I first confessed that I am in love with you. That single letter changed both of our lives profoundly. For the past year after I sent you my letter I have put you at the center of my world, hoping someday we would finally be together again. I have written you over sixty love letters, torn my heart apart declaring my love for you, and even traveled all the way across the country just to see you. Yet still you do not love me. I have to accept that. I have to accept that your feelings for me are gone, and they are probably not coming back. You have told me this so many times, but I could not bring myself to believe it because I knew that meant things were truly over. 

You said that you hope I will one day understand why you chose to end our relationship. I don't...and probably never will. There are personal issues you are struggling with right now that I know nothing about, issues that I suspect contributed to our break up, but since you have chosen to keep these problems to yourself I can never truly understand why you chose to push me out of your life. Yet you never pushed me out completely. For reasons that only you know, you decided to continue letting me speak to you through my journal, a decision that I welcomed but never understood. Perhaps you read my journal because you found my behavior curious and viewed my writing as mere entertainment. Or maybe you were simply making sure that I didn't mention anything about unexpectedly arriving in Boston to see you again. I always hoped that the reason was because in your heart you still love me, but the truth is that I do not know why you still read my journal even after you pushed me away. Like so many other things about you, your motivations remain hidden from me.

Sometimes I feel like my relationship with you was like being with two different women. There is the woman who I used to know, the kindest and gentlest soul whom I have ever met. She smiled so much. She smiled whenever we were together, and when I kissed her lips our souls became one. We talked openly, about anything and everything, and I always knew that she would never hurt me; she would never abandon me. I trusted this woman...completely. But the woman I see now is one who has hidden herself away from me so that I can never get close. I want to understand what she is going through; I want to love her, but every time I reach out my hand she pulls away. I just remember how you used to be and the closeness we used to share, and my heart is broken that we no longer have that special relationship. I have lost romantic relationships before, but this loss hurts so much more deeply because you were more than my lover...you were my best friend. What we had was so rare and so special, the most intimate relationship I have ever shared with anyone, and when you walked away I watched something beautiful die.

I have cried so many times over you, not just because you broke my heart but because of how deeply remorseful I am for the pain I caused you when I abandoned you. Every day for the past three years I have thought about what I did to you. The pain that I inflicted upon you has devastated me and I do not know how to express to you how remorseful I am for not only letting you go, but also for how badly my words hurt you. I am so sorry Ornela. I am so sorry for hurting you. 

You made me make you a promise that I never wanted to, a promise I do not know how to keep, a promise that I only made because I trusted you to keep your promise to me too. I have tried so hard to keep my promise to you, I really have. I have tried dating other women, but it is difficult to open my heart to them without feeling like I am being unfaithful to you. Truthfully, I do not want to form a relationship with another woman, and these women's companionship only momentarily distracts me from the pain I feel from being apart from you. I am not over you Ornela. The truth is...I don't want to get over you.

You are so many things to me. You are my best friend and my deepest confidant. You were the sole bright spot throughout some very dark periods of my life. You are the first woman I want to make love to, the only woman I want to make love to, and if you had asked me when I came to see you in Boston in October, I would have given myself to you. I would have made love to you. Ornela...you are the only woman I have ever fallen in love with. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you, have children with you, and love you, now and for the rest of our lives. 

And now, after all of these heartfelt confessions, I have just one more. You never knew how special tonight was supposed to be. You never knew about the precious gift that I was going to give you this Christmas. On June 4th, you asked me back into your life. Words cannot express how happy I was, nor how certain I was that we had finally embarked on a journey to share the rest of our lives together. That very night I began looking at engagement rings. I knew...I knew Ornela that I had found the woman I want to marry. My desire was to move to Boston and date you for the next six months, growing closer and sharing our bodies and souls as we fell more in love each day. And then, on Christmas night as we cuddled with each other next to the fireplace, I was going to drop to one knee and open a small box that contained both a ring and a promise. I was going to look deep into your eyes and ask you the most important question of our lives. Ornela, I was going to ask you to marry me tonight.

The ring I was going to give you tonight does not adorn your finger, for I know that you would reject my proposal, just as you have rejected every attempt I have made to love you. Over the past year I have given you a novel that tells our love story, dozens of love letters, an invitation to my family's lake house, tearful conversations where I poured out my feelings for you, a single kiss, and my love. Ornela, I gave you me. I have given you all I have to give...and it is not enough. There is only one thing I have left to give you, one final gift, the only gift I know you will not reject -- my silence. After a year of pouring out my heart and confessing my love for you, I will leave you alone after tonight. I will go away. I will go away because I know that you do not want me in your life anymore.

We held each other once upon a time. You and I laughed as we threw snowballs at one another in the empty streets of Boston on a cold winter night so long ago. You smiled, as did I, and then we embraced. As the falling snowflakes shrouded two lovers within a veil of intimacy, we looked deeply into each other's eyes and kissed. Do you remember that moment? It was the happiest of my life. You gave me the happiest moment of my life Ornela. I hope...I hope more than anything else that I made you happy too. 

As I told you in my final journal entry, we really are just a boy and a girl who fell in love. You and I created something very beautiful, a beautiful love that intertwined two lives together...and I hope that one day you will ask me to share that love with you again. I hope that someday you will ask me to share our lives together forever. I will always hope...and I will always love you Ornela.

Merry Christmas. Te dua.

Love,

Bobby

p.s. You told me not to move to Boston for you, so I won't...but I am moving to Boston in January for another reason. Only a few days ago another company made me a job offer, a very good offer that I believe helps fulfill my long term career goals, and I have decided to accept it. What your reaction is to me living in the same city as you I cannot guess, but I am making you a promise. I promise that I will not bother you with phone calls, show up unexpectedly at your door, or in any way try to insert myself into your life unless you invite me to become a part of it again. You have your own life in Boston and I must respect that. I promise you Ornela that I will respect your privacy.