What Do You Want Ornela?

Dear Ornela,

Three years ago when I came to see you in Boston I was faced with a decision: to leave or stay. I made the wrong decision...I chose to leave. It is a decision that I have regretted every day, a decision I wish I could take back, a decision that I have wept over a hundred times because I finally understand how deeply my selfishness hurt you. Now, all this time later, I am faced with a similar decision: to accept or decline my job offer in Boston. But we both know that this decision is not really about a job, or even about moving to Boston. This decision is about us, about whether or not we should be together...and it is a decision that I cannot make alone.   

I did not call or e-mail you to inform you of my job offer in Boston because I felt that it would be unfair of me to intrude upon your life uninvited again. Instead I chose to tell you in my journal because your decision to read or ignore my journal gives you the choice of whether or not you want to let me to speak to you. I have always believed that you still read my journal, probably every day...probably even several times a day. It is this belief, and the belief that you read my journal because you still have feelings for me, that gives me the motivation to keep writing. Every time you read my journal, you invite me into your heart. Every time you read my journal I believe that you are trying to keep your promise to me to give our relationship the chance it deserves. If you are reading these words, it means that some part of you still wants to be close to me. It means that some part of you still wants to share our lives together in Boston. Please listen to this voice Ornela...it is your heart telling you what it truly wants.    

Several weeks ago you sent me a text message that stated: "Bobby, if you end up taking the job in Boston, you need to do it only for your own career goals and not for me."

Surely you must know that this is impossible. The job means nothing to me. You are the only reason I would move to Boston, and I cannot remove the emotional conflict I would have of living in the same city with you, yet being apart from you at the same time. Living in Boston without being with you would be painful...too painful. It is a burden I cannot bear, for I am neither strong enough to do so nor foolish enough to try.

After several days of reflection, I have made my decision -- I want to move to Boston to be with you, but I will only come to the city if you want me there as well.

I am not asking you to tell me to accept the job offer or decline it. I am not asking you to tell me to move to Boston or not. I am only asking you what you want. What do you want? Ornela, I have to know...do you want me to come to Boston?