Promises

I never was very good at keeping New Year's resolutions. I'll make them in the final moments of the previous year, in high spirits that this will be the year when promises to myself go unbroken, but as the days pass and the allure of forbidden desires grow, temptation usually gets the better of me and I succumb to its seductive snares. That is what I am doing right now...that is what I am doing by writing you another letter. You see Ornela, my New Year's resolution was to stop writing you letters, both because I thought you wanted me to stop and because I am trying to keep my promise to you. Not the promise you made me make regarding trying to find love with someone else, but the other promise...the last one I made. Just before we said goodbye in your car at Logan Airport, I promised you that I would not contact you again unless you first reached out to me, but several texts and e-mails later (most notably the emotional letter I sent you on Facebook on Christmas) I realize that I have failed to keep my promise. I broke my promise to you Ornela, the only promise I made you that I have ever broken...I am sorry, and I hope that you will forgive me. 

My previous journal entry was intended to be my last ever, not just on the subject of our relationship, but for my entire journal. Ten years ago I began writing this journal on a whim, a mere pastime that gave me the opportunity to indulge my creative side and muse over the seemingly endless array of thoughts that whirl about my restless mind. And throughout nearly the entire ten year duration of my journal, it served that purpose well. However, over the past year my writing has changed dramatically. This journal has focused less on personal musings and humorous anecdotes, and has instead become something else entirely -- my only voice to you Ornela. For whatever reason, you have chosen to continue reading my journal despite pushing me out of every other area of your life. You have chosen to let me speak to you here even though you ignore my e-mails and would likely refuse to answer my phone calls as well. Your decision is a mystery to me because whenever a woman breaks up with a man, usually she wants nothing more to do with him, but here you are, right now, letting me speak to you once again. Why?

Nearly a month has passed since we last spoke, our communication limited to a few quick text messages where you told me not to move to Boston for you. In the time we have spent apart, I have thought a lot about you, but more than that, I have thought about the way I have treated you over these past few months. When you sent me your e-mail back in September ending our relationship I was hurt very badly, and I do not think that I have dealt with that pain in a healthy way. By focusing only on how much I was hurting after you left, I forgot that you have been hurting for a long time as well. I thought only about what I wanted from our relationship rather than what you did. After you told me that you were not ready for a committed relationship, I should have respected your need for space, told you that I am always here if you need to talk about what you are going through, and simply let you know that I love you. But because of my fear of losing you again, I escalated things far too much, far too quickly. I behaved very inappropriately and ignored the fact that you have the right to choose who you want to share your life with. Though I told you that I love you, I certainly was not treating you with love, and for that I am truly sorry. If someday you should ask me back into your heart, I promise to always respect your wishes and build a relationship only at a pace you are comfortable with. I do not know if you will one day ask to see me again, or if you will ever decide to even speak to me, but I hope that you will at least find it in your heart to forgive me.

Promises. We have both made each other so many, each one founded in trust. I am going to trust you Ornela. I am going to trust that when you made your promise to me at Logan Airport that you truly meant what you said, and maybe you are trying to succeed in keeping your promise where I have failed. Maybe the real reason that you still read my journal even after all this time is because you remember a promise you made to me all those months ago to give our love the chance to grow into something wonderful, a promise you are trying to keep even now.

Love,

Bobby

p.s. You told me not to move to Boston for you, so I have decided to respect your wishes. I have moved to DC instead, where I am currently living. I hope that one day we will take another stroll across the National Mall together, laughing and holding hands as we once did all those years ago. I hope that one day you will ask to see me again in the city where we first met.